How to be Italian in 5 simple steps.

"How to be Italian in 5 simple steps."

Step 1. Dress Italian - (Ladies) Wear 6" heels no matter where you're going. Picking up the mail? Taking out the trash? Just wear them, the look of pain on your face will only make you look more interesting. (Guys) Wear shirts a couple sizes smaller, unbutton your top 3 buttons, let the hair get some air (if you don't have it, consider getting a transplant), always tuck the shirt in, and be generous with your cologne (make sure it's a designer one though). Develop an accent, a personality, and start making sexual innuendos with all women you meet.

Step 2. Eat Italian - Cappuccino is for breakfast only. Just follow this rule and nobody will get hurt. After 11am you're on your own with an espresso shot after each meal. Start actually cooking your meals (Prego and Pasta-roni don't count) and make sure your pasta is always al dente (i.e. firm). Say hello to your new BFF's extra virgin olive oil and Parmesan cheese (make sure it's the real stuff.. NOT the stuff that comes in a green can.. for God's sake, are you out of your mind?). Never, and I say NEVER ask for Fettuccine Alfredo in Italy (or anywhere else), unless you want to look like a fool. Why? Just try it.

Step 3. Work Italian - Mamma comes first. Period. Need to move because of your job? Either find a job near Mamma or take her with you. Oh and erase the words "sexual harassment" from your vocabulary.. it's just ordinary professional interaction between colleagues. Don't forget to complain to family and friends.. it's just something we love to do, it's what makes us happy people. Complain even if you get a promotion (which is highly unlikely unless it's a government-imposed salary increase). On a positive note, where will you go on your 30-day vacation? Wherever it is, make sure it's where Mamma wants to go.

Step 4. Drink Italian - Is there any other drinkable liquid other than Italian wine? No. That's why you have to drink it with both lunch and dinner. If it makes you sleepy, get over it with a shot of espresso (see Step 2). Italians drink sparkling water - we like to keep water interesting too. The only other thing you're allowed to drink is Grappa. If you think it's too strong for you, you can't handle being Italian... try Swedish or Canadian.

Step 5. Love Italian - (Guys) Make your woman feel like she's the only woman on earth, a heavenly site of perfection, the most beautiful, the most amazing creature to walk this planet. Repeat Step 5 with every woman you encounter. (Ladies) Make your man feel like he doesn't have a chance in hell to be with you (even though he's the most smoldering hot, tear-his-clothes-off stud that you'll never see again in your life). Watch as he walks away humiliated. It's ok, you're an Italian woman now.. who needs sex?

Finally, give yourself an Italian name.. it's easy to do, you can just quickly change the one you have. Examples: Matt Damon = Matteo Damiani. Paul Newman = Paolo Nuovamano. Johnny Depp = Gianni Deppi. Robert Redford = Roberto Fordrossa.

That's it! You're officially Italian!!! Now, go and make Mamma proud!