Things I have learned since becoming a tour guide in Italy...

1. People love good food, but they love good wine even more.

2. No matter how many times I repeat something, there will always be someone who isn't listening.

3. Air conditioning is as optional as blinking.

4. Someone will always look at me as if somehow I'm responsible for causing rainy or cold days, or even say "Great job getting us some nice weather!" when it's sunny.

5. When we can fit all the suitcases in the trunk on the first day of the tour, I call that an intricate mind-bending jigsaw puzzle. However, when we do it on the last day, I call that a miracle.

6. I feed them. I provide a clean and soft bed for them. I make sure they're on time and don't forget anything. I plan their day and take them by the hand. I make sure they don't get lost. I believe this is as close to motherhood as you can get without actually giving birth.

7. When traveling, the most important organ capacity is not of one's brain, but of one's bladder.

8. There are two types of travelers: those who pack light and those who wish they did.

9. There are two types of travelers (part II): those who buy too much and regret it later, and those who don't buy enough and regret it later.

10. People are as fascinated by the architectural enigma that is the Renaissance Dome of the Cathedral in Florence by Brunelleschi as they are by Italian bathroom devices, bidets, flushes, strings, buttons, pedals, and other wondrous plumbing mechanisms.

11. Whenever I hear the words "this was the best trip we've ever taken"... somewhere an angel gets its wings.