You've taken the appropriate steps to becoming Italian (following my suggestions from the last newsletter) and now you're not sure what to do with your newly found super-hero status.. So here are some of the pros and cons about being Italian.. enjoy!
Pros about being an Italian Man
- Getting hit on by foreign women for merely having an accent.
- You can be homeless, jobless, hairless, not speak a word of English, grunt, and still be assaulted by women... because you are "God's greatest gift to women."
- You'll never have a bad meal in your life, whether it's made by your mom or your wife.
- You can eat pasta pizza every single day and still be considered a perfectly well-adjusted adult.
- If you cheat on your woman, you can say "it's a cultural thing". (addendum: this only works with foreign women though).
- If you make a bad joke, you can say something was "lost in translation" and that people in Italy are still laughing.
- Anytime you feel you're being taken for a ride, just say "this is not how we do business in my famiglia..oops, I mean, in my neck of the woods".. which should be enough to qualify you for speedy service.
- You have a maid that takes care of your bachelor pad, your laundry, cooking, sewing, and even gives you money and her car keys so you can go out and shop Armani's fall collection... oh, wait, that's not a maid, that's your mother... ah, what's the difference anyway?
- If you're a business owner, you're expected to take a 3-hour lunch break, close down for vacation the entire month of August, close on Sundays, plus 12 days for national holidays.
- You can totally pull off wearing a "man-purse" (or murse).
Cons about being an Italian Man
- The whole "God's greatest gift to women" thing tends to wear off after the 6th or 7th time you stare into another girl's cleavage within five minutes of the start of your date.
- You must be a soccer fan and know how to rip the hair off your own head and yell "GOOOOOOOAL"!
- Whoever you want to marry has to be approved by Mamma first. Just keep in mind that the word "approved" is not in Mamma's vocabulary.
- You have to get used to having sex in your car.. how could you ever do it in Mamma's house?
- You have to say things like "How d'you say..?" and "In my country.." over and over until all the girls in the room are completely entranced.
- You have to get used to kissing other men.. on both cheeks.
- Say "buh-bye" to worn-out baseball caps, acid-washed jeans, and tapered khakis. Say hello to "manscaping", Dolce Gabbana sunglasses, and $150 designer jeans.
- Your Grandma doesn't talk to you much anymore since she found out you stopped going to church and since you told her Santa is cooler than the Pope.
- You're wearing a man-purse.
Pros about being an Italian Woman
- If you're running late, you can say you're on "Italian time" and still look cute.
- You can mask your PMS symptoms by reminding people you're a hot-headed, stubborn Italian.
- You can easily turn down an undesired dinner invitation by saying "Sorry, I only eat my own food".
- You will have the right of way, even if driving down the wrong side of the street.
- Having über-tanned, prematurely aged skin (with a generous amount of sun spots), a chip on your shoulder, being bitter about life, and smoking Camels only makes you look more interesting.
- People will be OK with your mustache because you're the "Mediterranean type".
- You've become a pro at using a bidet.. and it's become your best friend on quiet and lonely nights.
- Your fantasies are happily populated by Raoul Bova, Riccardo Scamarcio, and last but not least, Rocco Siffredi (girls.. go ahead.. look them up).
Cons about being an Italian Woman
- Horses and rabbits can be both your pets, as well as your favorite delicacies.
- You certainly don't consider yourself a racist... but come on, who likes Gypsies..and Southern Italians.. or Albanians.. and those annoying people from the town next to yours..
- You have to deal with an Italian man's B.S. (and laundry).
- Your grandma still has hopes for you to repent and become a nun.
- You have developed "geisha-feet" from walking in stilettos 24/7.
- It's totally acceptable for you to be over 30 and single. You've gotten used to staring death in the face at every family gathering anyway.
- You've never been able to talk with your hands in your pockets.
- You go through more Gillette razors in a week than Norway does in a year.
- You're mostly likely going to name your son after your grandfather. Oh, and "great job!" for having a son.
- What is peanut butter? You're only true friend in good times and in bad is Nutella.. she has never let you down (well, bidet hasn't either).
